Sam woke up in the middle of the night. She slowly stirred in the warm comfort of her duvet. She felt a warm presence next to her. She slowly turned onto her opposite side towards the source of heat emanating from the opposite side of the bed. It was James. He slept soundly next to her. The duvet pushed down past his waist exposing his bare chest. He wore thin cotton pyjama bottoms with a light blue checkered design. Sam watched him while he slowly drew breath, his slow rhythmic breathing deep and steady. It soothed her to watch him sleep. She wanted to cuddle up next to him and snuggle into his warm body but she didn’t. She knew that would wake him. James was a very light sleeper, even though he laid there beside her on his back sleeping soundly, with one arm tucked behind his pillow hand under his head, it wouldn’t take much to wake him up. Sam gently raised herself up into a sitting position. She scanned the edge of the bed for her phone but she couldn’t see any sign of it. She didn’t remember bringing it with her when she came to bed. In fact she didn’t quite remember coming to bed. Sam looked around the bedroom. She was still wearing the same house clothes that she wore yesterday. She looked to the window to try and get a glimpse of the world outside, to gauge what time of day it was but the curtains were drawn. From the break in the curtain Sam could see the tint of darkness that reigned outside had started to ease off. A subtle hue of blue had started to push away the deep night. It was summer so if the sun had started to rise it would still be early but if James was still asleep it would be before 6am. He would normally wake up at that time to go for his morning run, a quick 30min fast paced run around the block. Sam loved how disciplined he was with his training. He took his craft seriously. He never missed a session. Sam exhaled deeply but silently. She sat still for a moment, listening for any other sounds coming from within the flat but there was none. Sam slowly shifted towards the edge of the bed. She took care not to make any sudden movements or loud noises. She wanted James to get his full amount of sleep. She guessed that he still had a few more hours of sleep left. Sam slowly balleted herself off the bed. Every movement calculated, precise, slow to execution. She glided through the room en pointe, taking care not to aggravate any of the loose squeaky floor boards that might send a shrill siren screaming through the silence of the room waking up her spouse. When she made it to the bedroom door she took a glance back at James. He hadn’t moved from where he lay. She tried to suppress a short smile. Any occasion when she was able to creep out of bed successfully without waking him gave her a sense of satisfaction. There wasn’t much Sam felt that she was able to do for James. She constantly felt that he had picked up the losing end of their relationship, that she wasn’t enough for him, that she was draining him for much more than what he was reaping from her. Sam constantly criticised herself when she looked at her partner. She loved him with all her heart but she felt that was the only thing she could give the man. She wasn’t able to bear him any children, although he had raised Lily as his own, her one and only child was not his. He didn’t mind too much about the biological aspect of it all. Lily called him ‘Dad’ and he was her father. James had a son from a previous relationship. A lovely boy a few years older than Lily. A well disciplined teenager just like his father. The boy didn’t run like James. His craft was musical. The saxophone. Sam loved the boy like he was her own but he always reminded her that she wasn’t able to give James something that he wanted. The home in which they lived was also not the home that James wanted. He always looked at the place with dis ease. The flat was always full of clutter. An unimaginable amount. Sam always wanted to try and keep the place tidy but her projects always got carried away with her. They swept her off her feet and whisked her away to some place where she found herself buried under an assortment of decorating materials. Materials that James would always be tripping over. Another area that she was failing in. Sam repressed a sad smile which slowly turned to a frown. She didn’t want to think too much about how she was failing him. She would spend the whole day self critiquing herself about how she was draining him dry. The best thing that she could do for him right now is let him sleep. Let him get his well deserved sleep. That was the least that she could do for him in her current situation. Sam left the room with one hand on the handle, she made a slow pirouette to face the door while she pulled it almost closed. On the very last inch she placed her free hand on the door frame and squinted while she gently bent the handle all the way down and brought the door neatly into the doorframe. There was no sound. She barely heard the almost inaudible click of the latch bolt popping into the socket as she brought the handle back up to rest. She pushed against the door with her resting hand to make sure the door was properly closed. It was. She let out a soft sigh in relief. James would get his few hours. Sam made her way gentle across the corridor. She felt an unusual sense of clarity about her. Her body felt rested, her mind focused, her spirit high. Sam wondered what time she actually went to bed. Although this was a foreign feeling to her, it was a feeling that felt good inside. If it was the sleep, maybe she could repeat it tonight. Sam suddenly remembered what happened prior to her falling asleep she had taken her new mediation. It was working incredibly well. She would report this back to her therapist. Sam came upon another room door which was almost closed but not quite. There was a faint hint of music coming from the room but it was low. Too low for Sam to make out what kind of genre it was. Sam gently pushed the room door open and peeked her head through. The curtains by the window where half drown. The light peeking through illuminated a petite bump curled up in the middle of a double bed. Sam only knew it was her daughter by the single arm poking out from underneath the duvet resting on the floor. A small handheld console close by her fingertips, still on. Sam realised that the faint sound was coming from the game, it was no wonder she didn’t recognise the theme song which played. Sam listened more closely. The music sounded like a ball which was bouncing around making a neat rhythmic pattern. Sam thought that it had a kind of strange Italian melody to it. Sam scanned the room. It was well kept, immaculate, compared to the rest of the house. Everything that rested in her daughters room had its specific place. Everything was kept in order. Maybe it was her daughter’s way of silent protest. Sam smiled to herself. Children often follow suit or go the complete opposite way. It looked like her daughter was going in the opposite direction. Sam liked the thought of that. Sam did not want her to be a reflection of herself, she wanted her far from it and that made Sam happy. Sam thought against turning off the handheld console that lay on the floor. The last time she had done so thinking to save the game’s battery, Lily screamed at her, that she had erased all her progression in the game and that she had to start from scratch. Sam didn’t have any clue as to what that meant. The vices that children played with today were a far cry away from what she was familiar with as a child. Electronics was a thing of the near future back then. Sam decided not to invade her well kept space and slowly pulled the door closed. Lily was a deep sleeper so Sam didn’t fret about making any noise. She knew that it wouldn’t wake her up. Sam made her way to the living and closed the door at the end of the corridor that led to the bedrooms. There was clutter everywhere. Sam looked around. She took a moment to take it all in and looked around expecting to see a familiar face or hear a familiar voice but there was nothing. Another faint smile crept onto Sam’s calm face, she took a deep breath in and exhaled even more deeply out. Sam’s mind was settled.
Sam looked down at the clutter and set to work. She didn’t need to think about what she had to do. The tasks were already pending in her subconscious. Her body set to autopilot. Sam felt she could move without interruption. She felt like a computer which had been left on for days upon end, listening to a thousand keystrokes at once. More keystrokes than her digital mind could keep up with. The pounding strokes beating away, constantly and continuously, carving away the clear processing power of her CPU. Creating a backlog which would make the computer crash. Then suddenly, all its processes were wiped clean. All the unnecessary chatter deleted. Everything erased. Leaving only the most important tasks. Then as if a huge digital weight had been lifted her processing mind, she was now able to function. All her systems were in line and it was now able to run at its full potential. Her speed picking up. The motor inside her firing up, humming with a long high pitched wail that associated speed and power. This is how Sam’s mind set to work and her body had no choice but to follow. Sam wanted to have the place tidy by the time James woke up for his morning run, with breakfast ready and waiting by the time he came back. There were too many things around the living room to make everything completely disappear. The things that had a home were settled in their home. The thing that didn’t were neatly set to one side. It would have taken a normal person a few hrs to completely tidy and sort out the horde that constantly lived in Sam’s living room but Sam was not a normal person. She operated on a higher capacity. She dusted, cleaned and swept. She also wanted to hoover but she knew that would definitely wake her husband, her daughter would sleep soundly through the entire vacuum symphony without a single crack of an eyelid. She opened the living room curtains. The warm rays of the sun kissing her pale white skin making her cheeks rosy. Sam closed her eyes. She remembered the repetitive line from one of her favourite books
“Dawn rising early and rosy fingered” and it brought a smile to her face. She felt that it was going to be a good day. Suddenly her stomach started to growl. It made such a long low grumbling noise that Sam wasn’t sure if the sound emanated from her or by some mechanical vehicle outside. She looked out onto the street but there was nothing there. Sam patted her stomach. She turned from the window and headed for the kitchen. She was going to cook a breakfast that would be fit for a bard to sing in Homeric epic. Sam stood in the middle of the kitchen floor and looked around. Any self respecting cook could not prepare food in these conditions so she systematically set to work again. Reuniting every pot, pan, glass and plate in its proper place. She cleaned off all the work surfaces with hot water and washing liquid. Sam wanted to bleach the surfaces but she hated the smell of bleach around cooking food. It put her off her appetite. She would bleach afterwards.
Now that the kitchen was clean Sam cultivated an epic breakfast. There was plenty of food in the fridge, the results from her husband, she smiled to herself again. Sam pulled out all the ingredients that she needed for the feast and set to work. While she cooked she heard a faint sound of movement coming from the direction of the bedrooms. The corridor door opened and James popped out rubbing his eyes. He paused in the doorway and looked around, his eyes wide, his eyebrows raised. A huge smile erupted on his lips, touching the tips of his earlobes, bearing all his pearl white teeth. Sam could see him from the serving window and she smiled while she whisked the pancake mix in a glass bowl. She looked directly at him with a smirk on her face. One that said “don’t be surprised, this is what I’m capable of when I’m able.” James walked closer to the serving window. He pushed out his lips in the mime of a kiss which was accompanied by a kissing sound. She returned the gesture.
“What’s all this?”
“Pancake’s, French toast, bacon, eggs, baked beans, sautéed mushrooms, grilled tomatoes, sausages, fruit and cereal.” Sam continued to whisk away while staring at him.
James let out a deep sigh and quickly disappeared back down the corridor and into the bedroom. Sam heard him rummaging through their wardrobe. She knew he was putting on his running outfit. He came back with his trainers in his hands. His gigantic grin still embedded on his face.
“How long till it’s ready?”
“35/40 minutes.”
James’ eyes widen.
“My run is a 50minute run.”
“You better up your pace then.” Sam squinted her eyes and raised her eyebrows in a silent challenge.
James laughed and shook his head. He threw on his running shoes effortlessly tying his laces. He raised his left hand to look at the digital watch on his wrist. Sam watched him as he clicked the buttons on the side of the watch. The watch made a beep with each press then a double when he finished. Sam knew he was setting his pace. He winked at her then grabbing his keys from a side table, flew through the front door letting it swing naturally closed by its own accord. Sam chuckled to herself. James was an overachiever, she knew he’d be back earlier. He would do better than what was expected. Sam also knew James loved his food and what better way to work up a good appetite than a fast run in the morning. Sam finished whisking the pancake mix and placed it on the kitchen counter. She checked the time that was on the cooker. It was 0630. If James came back around 0700 that would be perfect. He would quickly jump in the shower and she would wake Lily. That would give them all enough time to sit down at the table and have breakfast together. Then both Lily and James would go off to work and school and she would have the day to herself. Sam thought about how she would spend her day. Sam was unemployed. She found it difficult to work in an office. Large areas with large amounts of people made her uncomfortable. It wasn’t so much the people that she couldn’t stomach. The people were fine. It was the constant whispering that grated at her. The chatter that always accompanied the working crowd. Sam couldn’t stand it. The office talk was too much for her. With every word that a colleague spoke it bounced around in her head for hours. Every word that she listened to became energized in her mind. Constantly growing with momentum, ricocheting off her temples, beating away her concentration. That’s why Sam could never get any work done in the office. She was most productive in isolation, by herself, where the chatter in her mind was limited to a minimum of three.
It was always three.
Sam shook her head. She decided she would go grocery shopping later. She was thinking about dinner. She hadn’t decided yet what she would make but it was getting her excited. Sam loved cooking for her family.
Today was going to be a good day.
Sam started the pancakes, while she placed the sausages under the grill, then put the eggs on to boil, heated up the baked beans, chopped the mushrooms and prepped the French toast so that they could all be completed around the same time the pancakes were finished. Sam knew her way around the kitchen and had well mastered the art of timing when everyone was ready to eat.
When Sam had finished the pancakes and placed them, piled up on a dish, she heard slow and steady footsteps coming from the passageway leading to the bedrooms. Sam gave a slight chuckle. She knew that if she had been making all the noise in the building complex, dropping pans, shouting, playing music and more that wouldn’t have been enough to rouse her daughter from her deep sleep, however with the passage door open, the slightest scent of good cooked food creeping through the flat, had brought Lily to life. No alarm clock needed. No firm tug from Sam’s hands pulling the duvet. Lily was actively seeking out what she craved the most. Good tasting food. Sam kept an eye on the living room door while she finished off the French toast. Lily walked through the door looking directly into the kitchen through the serving window. She stopped in the doorway wide eyed. Surprised to see her mum. Lily rubbed her eyes as if trying to rub away a dream that she was still caught in.
“Mum?” Lily said surprised.
“Good Morning.”
“Oh my goodness what’s happened?”
“What do you mean? What’s happened?”
“What’s happened? Where’s Dad?”
“Nothing happened. Dad’s gone for his morning run.”
“Why are you cooking?”
“What do you mean ‘Why am I cooking’?” Sam mimicked a voice that was more childlike in tone. It didn’t sound anything like Lily’s actual voice. More like a mock representation.
“Can’t I cook breakfast for my family? Something wholesome for my daughter and husband to eat before they set off for work and for school.”
Sam watched Lily scrunch up her face into a weird expression. The inner features of her face compressed with unpleasant lines. It was not quite a shock but more of an unpleasant acceptance of reality. Much like the face one pulls after walking into a bathroom after the previous occupant has left the scent of lingering evidence behind. Something the eyes can not see but the nose can smell all too well. This was the face that Sam looked upon. Lily walked closer. Sam put some plates that she had already prepared onto the serving window ledge.
“Can you set the table for me, please.”
Lily reluctantly took the plates off of the ledge. Sam pressed her lips together wanting to laugh but restrained it. Sam placed three glasses and three sets of cutlery down too. Lily scooped them up after setting the plates.
“What’s for breakfast?” Lily peaked over the counter to get a better look. Sam leaned forward to obscure her view.
“Food is for breakfast.”
Lily rolled her eyes while she placed the glasses and the cutlery.
“Ok, now quickly go and get ready before you Dad comes home then we can all eat together and you don’t have to rush to get ready.”
Lily nodded her head. As she walked back through the living room door she cast a side eye glance at Sam. Sam was expecting this. She blew her a mimed kiss and smiled. No kisses or smiles were returned. Lily walked around the corridor, the corner of her eyes locked on her mother until the wall parted them and she disappeared. Sam chuckled to herself again. Her daughter was at war with her. They had been at war for the early part of Lily’s teenage years. Sam was trying to send her a peace envoy but Lily was having none of it. Lily only wanted to go to war, to completely obliterate her enemy is what Sam felt. Sam only wanted to kiss and make up but the terms of negotiation were proving difficult with her daughter. Lily was incredibly stubborn. Sam hoped that this cooked breakfast would be the first step to a treaty. Only time would tell. Sam tried to remember back to a point and time when her little girl actually wanted to be around her, kiss and cuddle her, rather than trying to destroy her. Sam thought about when she was a little girl hanging off her neck. Actually giving her kisses and cuddles. Sam sighed. That seemed like a long time ago when Lily was her little baby girl. Sam used to dress her up all in pink. Lily was her little porcelain doll. The image of Lily as a child made Sam feel warm inside. Sam enjoyed these warm positive emotions. She instantly noticed when she started to feel something good, warm and positive. It was something very distant to what she normally felt. While the last portions of the breakfast finished cooking she put on a fresh pot of coffee beans. Her neighbour had brought her a fresh bag of Jamaica’s world famous blue mountain stock from his last holiday. She was extremely grateful. She never drinked coffee but James loved it. Over the years she had perfected grinding the fresh beans into a fine grain and making the coffee just the way James loved it. As the pot started to boil. The front door flew open. James came through with sweet pouring of his body. He panted while he walked around trying to catch his breath. He clicked his watch to stop the time. He silently punched the air in triumph. Sam checked the time. It had been 45min since James left.
“What took you so long? I was expecting you 15min ago.”
“Well…..” James was still gasping for breath. “ Since you…… were making this…… epic….. Breakfast….. I ran another lap on top.”
Just like Sam expected. He always pushed himself to perform at his best. He always poured his vitality into everything that he did.
“Hmmmmm……That………. smells ……….fantastic.”
James walked into the kitchen and came to stand behind Sam. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed the nape of her neck. Sam cutting some fresh fruit. Held the knife in one hand and reached behind her to rub the back of his head. She raised her head to the ceiling closing her eyes. It felt all too good for him to be so close to her. His hot body added to the warm feeling that she felt in her stomach. Radiating through her. James squeezed her tighter.
“How are you feeling?” James whispered.
Sam could hear the concern in his voice. She knew that he was always aware when she was having an episode. He knew her like the back of his hand and last night was particularly bad. Sam shrugged it off.
“I’m good. The new medication the doctor gave me is really working well.”
“Hmmm…… that’s really good babe.” James said looking over all the delicious food that sat in the kitchen. “Sooo is breakfast the only thing your going to be cooking up this morning?”
Sam playfully slapped his hand clasped around her waist.
“You slept for ages last night.”
“Uhhh what time did I fall asleep?” Sam continued chopping the fresh fruit.
“It was like 7. Maybe half 7.” James replied.
She recalled yesterday’s events in her mind. She was sure it was much later than 7pm when she had fallen asleep but she didn’t want to focus on yesterday’s events.
The sound of the bathroom door flying open and slamming against the corridor wall interrupted their moment. They both turned their attention to the direction of the sound. Lily’s footsteps were heard marching through the corridor but neither of them caught a glimpse of her. James let go of Sam’s waist to leave the kitchen but sneakily grabbed a piece of fresh fruit off the cutting board. Sam tried to slap his hand but James had snatched it too quickly for her to connect. As He tried to escape through the kitchen door She slapped his bum with a whip lick snap of the back of her hand. James hopped towards the corridor, one hand stuffing the spoils of his successful plunder into his mouth, the other hand rubbing the punished cheek that suffered the retribution of his thievery. He chuckled through the door. Sam turned her attention to serving up the breakfast on the table. It was more than a banquet. When Sam placed the last dish on the table, the French toast, she looked at the mass of food. She wondered to herself if she actually went overboard with the meal. There was too much food for them to possibly eat in one sitting. They could eat their fill for breakfast and probably eat the same amount for leftovers later. Sam got a large plate from the kitchen and took one piece of food from every dish. She shook her head, shocked at the sight of the plate. Lily suddenly came into the living room in her school uniform. She had a towel wrapped around her head.
“Lily you washed your hair?” You’ve got school today you don’t have time to do your hair and have breakfast.”
“I didn’t wash my haiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrr ughhhhhhh.” Lily’s eyes narrowed. “I accidentally got some of it wet. I’m just going to let it dry quicklyyyyyyyyy ughhhhhhh?”
Sam nodded her head. It sounded like Lily wanted to say more but trailed off the last part of her response. Sam knew she was going to say something that would have gotten her into trouble but she caught herself. Sam bit her lip to disguise a smile.
“Who’s gonna eat all of this food?” Lily asked her face scanning the table. She caught sight of the french toast Sam had made and a smile erupted on her face. Sam released her lip from the bitting clamp and let her own smile show. Lily looked at her mother and saw that she was smiling so suddenly changed her face back into a frown and went to sit at the table rolling her eyes.
“Ummmm.” Lily interrupted her. “Can you bring this next door please.” Sam wrapped the plate in some tin foil she had taken from the kitchen when she collected the plate. “And the bacon isn’t real bacon, it’s turkey bacon.”
Another smile erupted on Lily’s face in recognition of the small implicit joke. Sam handed her the plate and watched her as she quickly disappeared through the front door. James instantly came in as Lily went out. He started laughing at the sight of the banquet that awaited him. Sam looked at his eyes and shook her head. She would have to limit the amount that he would try to eat. She knew that in his heart James would eat up the whole world if he could. Maybe that’s why he was so disciplined with his running regime. If James didn’t run he would probably be bed ridden with the amount of food that he consumed. James sat down at the table. He looked around, Sam knew he was looking for his daughter. Sam nodded at the door, James nodded back in acknowledgement. They heard a distant conversation from outside.
“Ohhhh wow tell your mum I said thanks.” Lily reappeared at the door.
“Wait yute.”
Lily paused.
“Is this swine you put on my plate?”
“Oh myyyyy goshhhhh. It’s turkey bacooonnnnnnnnnnnnn.” Sam watched Lily stick her head out the front door and scream the reply to her friend. The sound of a raspberry splattered back through the apartment followed by the hard slam of a door. “Ohhh My Goshhhhh.” Lily started to go back outside to continue.
“Lily nooooooo.” Sam called. “ It’s too early for youse two and your banter. Come and eat then you have to go to school.”
“No leave her because I’m going to eat her French toast.” James informed while grabbing himself two slices of the tasty powdered bread.
“Noooooooooooo.” Lily protested quickly closing the door and running to the table.
Sam chuckled and sat down next to James. He kissed her on the cheek then went to work dishing up his own plate of food. Lily sat next to James. She quickly snatched a piece of toast from his plate. He grabbed her hand, playfully biting on her fingers. Lily screamed. The two started to playfully slap each other while James tried to win back his piece of toast. Sam shook her head. She pulled the plate which held all the French toast over to her side. James, noticing this, screamed in protest. Sam looked at him with the feign of a strict look on her face. James fell into line, as did Lily. Sam smiled and grabbed the French toast of Lily’s plate and stuffed it all into her mouth. Lily screamed in protest again. James leaned back laughing, trying to cover his mouth, Lily tugged at his arm, wanting some kind of retribution against him for the thought that food being stolen from her plate was humorous. James playfully deflected her blows, leaning over towards Sam, for some kind of refuge, his shoulder craning up towards his ear, in a mock attempt to shield his face. Sam chewed happily on the French toast that she stole. It tasted better to her for some reason. She took Lily’s plate and started to dish up her breakfast. Lily settled back down in her seat. Sam placed the plate of food down in front of her.
“Thanks Mum.” Lily said without looking at her. Then she grabbed a knife and fork and started to carve away at the plate of food which sat before her. James did the same.
Sam smiled. It was definitely a good feeling she was having this morning.
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