Oscar woke up from a very light sleep. It wasn’t the kind of good sleep one gets when they are exhausted and the body completely shuts down the night before; waking you up to the rays of the sun completely recharged and refreshed ready to go out into the day. No; it was a different kind of sleep. Oscar spent the night half asleep and half awake. Half listening out for Lily, wondering what kind of state she would be in when she woke up and half floating in and out of some dream; the kind of dream that is totally absorbing when you’re asleep, which takes you by the hand, drags you while pulling back, heels digging into the dirt down into the rabbit hole, which as soon as you wake and open your eyes has vanished. Disappears into nothingness, as quickly as it had started. Oscar was nervous. He didn’t fully know how today was going to play out. He pushed the cover aside and sat on the edge of the bed. He had an uneasy feeling in his gut. It was a churning sensation; like an army of butterflies had been unleashed inside his stomach. Last night before he went to bed he had made a decision and acted on it. He called Josie’s Mum Marissa and had confessed his concerns over the state in which he had found Lily’s Mum. He knew Marissa was the Sister of a ward in South London’s most reputable hospital. He wasn’t sure what department but he guessed that Marissa might know the right channels or the correct way to proceed. He was right. When he had told her about Lily’s Mum’s behaviour it was almost like she was already aware of what was going on. She reassured Oscar and said that she would be round in the morning to collect Lily. Oscar knew that he had done the right thing but he didn’t feel like it was the best thing. He felt like he had taken something away from Lily. That maybe he was preventing Lily from having her mother. A feeling of guilt started to etch its way into his stomach.
Is this going to make things worse?
No, things were already worse. Oscar sighed. He stood up and made his bed. He had left his bedroom door open so that he could keep an eye on Lily and she could keep an eye on him. Just in case she woke up confused about where she was; but she had remained fast asleep all night. Oscar went to the kitchen during the early hours of the morning and she had not moved a muscle from where he had first laid her down. Oscar thought that she must have been emotionally drained from the whole fight with her Mum. Sometimes emotional trauma can be physically draining. She might not have run marathons like her Dad but the fact that she had been in a deep sleep throughout the night showed that she definitely needed the rest. When Oscar had finished making his bed he pushed his door shut for a moment. He took off his shorts and vest that he had slept in and put on a pair of grey tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt. He folded his night clothes up and pushed them under his pillow. He suddenly shuddered as a slight chill whisked past his neck. He went to his window which was open and pulled it almost closed, but not quite. Oscar often left one or more window ajar as he liked a stream of fresh air circulating his flat. When he’d finished, he opened his door wide, gently kicking a door wedge under it and made his way to the kitchen. Lily was still sleeping. Oscar thought to let her sleep until breakfast was ready. Things would be better with a good breakfast.
A hearty meal makes reflection and decision making a lot easier.
He started to get the ingredients ready. He still had a feeling to make Lily Jamaican saltfish and fried dumplings. Traditionally salt fish (which is actually salted cod) was made with an egg like fruit called ackee, but Oscar hated ackee. It didn’t have a taste to him; so he prepared his own alternative with steamed cabbage. It would take around 1hr to make the meal. Oscar checked the clock on the oven. It had just gone past 09:00. Oscar set to work, trying to make as little noise as possible. He wanted Lily to wake up to something nice. Once the salt fish had been pre boiled and added to a pan with the cabbage, Oscar set about making the dumplings. He made the dough, 60% white flour, 40% cornmeal with a little bit of butter, and a pinch of salt and baking powder. Before he added the water he realised he had put too much flour in the bowl for two people. Never mind Oscar thought, he could have the leftovers for lunch tomorrow. He decided to transfer the mix into a bigger bowl and opened an overhead cupboard to grab one. As he did so, another tray slipped out of place and hit the floor making a loud clang. The sound reverberated throughout the flat.
“Chaaaaa.” Oscar hissed, kissing his teeth afterwards.
The loud sound startled Lily and she sat up with a shot. Oscar put back the tray. Lily looked around the flat, confused, then she suddenly realised where she was. She looked towards the direction of what had woke her up and found Oscar smiling at her.
“Morning Little Girl.”
She didn’t answer him. She curled up on the sofa and drew the blanket around her. Oscar had anticipated that her mood would be more depressed than cheerful but he was determined to turn her spirit around.
“I thought that you might be hungry after last night so I’m making you a traditional breakfast,” he said, whilst kneading the dough for the dumplings.
Lily didn’t answer. She pulled the blanket over her head. Oscar suspected that she was probably embarrassed about what had happened the night before. He didn’t want to go over it with her. If she felt embarrassed or guilty about how she behaved towards her mother it meant that she knew what she did was wrong, and if she knew what she did was wrong it also meant that she was sorry. Oscar decided to let sleeping dogs lie. No point discussing what she already knew. He gave himself a solemn smile.
Most adults aren’t in control of their own emotions, he thought. If adults can’t control themselves, how could a 14yr old little girl.
He wondered how Lily would take the news about what was about to happen today. Would she be upset with him or herself? Would she even understand what was going on? Oscar shook it out of his head. He would tell her after breakfast. He made the dough into little balls and popped them into a pan filled quarter deep with cooking oil. The dough slowly started to fry. A sudden noise erupted from the kitchen counter. Lily drew the blanket from her head. Oscar could see the movements of her hand going to her pockets but not finding what she expected. She sat up again and felt around the sofa. Still not finding what she was looking for, she withdrew the blanket entirely, searching with her eyes. Oscar thought to save her the trouble.
“Your mobile phone is over here on the counter.”
Lily stopped searching. She pushed the blanket over to one side, got up and walked over to the kitchen counter. Her mobile phone, which had been ringing, suddenly stopped. She picked up her phone and looked at her screen. Oscar kept quiet. He looked into the pan turning the dumplings over, then looked up. Lily’s penetrating gaze was already upon him. Oscar gave a wry smile then looked back into the pan even though the dumplings didn’t need his immediate attention. The gaze that Lily gave him was a definite sign that a storm was coming and Oscar wished to avoid it at all costs.
“Why’s my phone on the counter boomer?” She hissed sharply.
“Boomer?” Oscar questioned. He didn’t like Lily’s tone; it was confrontational but he didn’t want to get into it with a 14yr old.
“Yeah Boomer. It is what we call old people.” Lily scuffed then sat down on a stool by the counter.
“I know you’re not calling me a baby boomer tuh rass.” He sent Lily a jokey smile but she did not return it.
“Oscar, why is my phone on the counter? I didn’t leave it on the counter. It was in my pocket.”
“Hmmmmm, was it?” Oscar’s voice suddenly went extremely high pitched. It was a nervous habit that he did when he was avoiding the truth. Oscar never really lied. His dad had taught him from a young age to always speak his mind and always tell the truth. No matter the consequences.
“Don’t censor your honest words to make them more palatable for people’s taste. If they can’t swallow your opinion, let them choke.” Was one of his Dad’s favourite sayings. However Oscar felt the storm coming so avoidance was his current strategy.
“You took my phone from my pocket Oscar and you called Josie’s Mum.”
“Wait, what? how do you know I called Josie’s Mum?”
“Because I just had a missed call from her. And she’s just texted me to say she’ll be coming to pick me up in 2 hrs. Thank Oscar for the phone call. Why did you call Josie’s Mum and why is she coming to pick me up?”
Oscar had almost finished making the breakfast. It seemed his plan to get Lily into a good mood and break the news to her afterwards was now a pipe dream. The thought of dodging the coming storm clouds was misplaced. The storm was already upon him. Oscar smiled a frowned smile and turned off the gas fire under the salt fish and fried dumplings, placing the last of the dumplings onto a large plate with kitchen paper towel at the bottom to catch the excess oil. He moved away from the cooker and leant on the central kitchen table.
Looks like breakfast is coming after bad news.
“Ok I’m going to be completely honest with you Lily. Maybe you’d like to sit down?” Oscar motioned to the stall opposite him. Lily remained standing. She folded her arms and continued to stare at Oscar. Oscar raised his eyebrows and continued.
“So after your row with your mum, we must have fallen asleep on the sofa. When I woke up…around 1ish I went to check on your Mum.” Oscar paused. “Lily your Mum isn’t well.”
“What do you mean she isn’t well? She’s not ill. She went to work every day last week. If she was sick I would have noticed. She’s pretending.” Lily scoffed.
“No Lily. I don’t mean that she’s physically sick. I mean that I don’t think that she’s having a good time at the moment. I think your Mum is having some kind of breakdown. Lily have you noticed that your Mum has been acting a bit unusual?”
Lily didn’t answer the question. Her face showed signs of recognition. She had noticed but she didn’t admit to it. Perhaps she didn’t want to admit to it. An unfortunate symptom of mental health was the denial from surrounding family members that a mental health issue actually exists. Oscar pressed on.
“I was worried anyway after I saw your Mum last night, so I took your phone from your pocket and called Josie’s Mum. We spoke and she decided she’s going to get your Mum some help.” Oscar felt relieved to get this all off his chest. Lily didn’t say a word and she wasn’t crying. Oscar felt she was taking this news very well. Maybe they could enjoy this breakfast after all.
“Your Mum is going to go with some professionals that will help her get better and I think you’re going to stay with Josie and her mum for a while. Marissa is going to call your Dad at some point and arrange something more permanent.”
Oscar noticed that Lily didn’t seem to have any kind of reaction to what he was saying. She was incredibly calm. In Fact a bit too calm. Oscar regarded her face. She didn’t look as if she was confused or unsure of the information he’d given her. She had more of a calculative expression on her face. As if she was considering different scenarios and weighing up her options.
“Who are the professionals that are coming to get her? Is it the police?” Lily finally spoke.
“Yes, it’s the police.”
“And they’re gonna take her away to prison.”
“Hmmm, prison no. They’ll detain her and take her to hospital. Where she can get some care.”
“Why the hell are they taking her to hospital and not to prison?” Lily erupted. “If she goes to hospital she can leave whenever she wants right? They need to take her to prison.”
Oscar stood back from the sudden outburst. He thought he had gotten lucky with the coming storm but just when he thought the clouds were going to float past; lightning and thunder splashed out into the heavens. It was time to get his raincoat.
“Lily where is this coming from?” Oscar pleaded. He was taken aback by this. He had decided last night not to reprimand her about trying to hit her Mum but with her new commentary, he started to think that maybe he should. Maybe Lily had been getting out of hand. Maybe she needed to be reined in a bit, put under manners with some discipline. “Now Lily….”
Before Oscar could continue, Lily took the phone that was in her hand and with all the strength that she could muster, biting her bottom lip, threw it onto the wooden floor. The screen shattered into a number of pieces, flying everywhere.
“LILY!”
“She doesn’t need help. She doesn’t need a a a care worker.” Lily fumbled over her words. “She needs a warden who can place her under lock and key.”
“Stop it. Where is this coming from?”
“She’s pretending, Oscar. She’s an attention seeker.” Lily howled. “She’s always pretending.” Lily launched towards the kitchen. “Fine. If she’s going to hospital then I’m going to go too. I’m going to do something to myself where they can see that it is purely her fault and hopefully they will send her to prison instead.
“Do what exactly Lily?”
Lily pushed Oscar to one side and started to rummage through the kitchen draws. Oscar stepped away and quickly huddled on the other side of the counter watching Lily closely.
It’s not just her Mum, she’s lost the plot too. What on Earth has been going on in their house.
Lily opened continuous draws until she reached the knife draw. She grabbed one handle and withdrew it.
“I’m going to cut my wrists.” Lily screamed.
Oscar stepped back. The storm was about to go into full swing. He felt a hot sensation in his stomach. He was starting to get angry. This little girl is really getting out of hand, she needs some licks on her rass. He started to understand why some parents still used the old school way of distributing some smacks on the bottom. It was for moments like this. It might be an archaic method but it was very effective putting infants back into line. Sharp, fast and harsh pain was a good tool for teaching discipline, however Lily wasn’t an infant anymore. She was too big to spank. She was at that age where she actually thought she could fight back. As she displayed last night. No, she required a different kind of discipline. She needed to be taught a lesson. It was a gamble. It could go wrong. But it was worth a try. He contained the heat in his stomach.
Oscar dished up his breakfast. He put a big serving of salt fish on his plate and five fried dumplings. He was hungry and this would prove to be entertaining in some shape or form. He watched Lily breathing heavily in the kitchen. She held the knife in her hand. Oscar took a spoonful of salt fish and bit into a dumpling.
“What are you gonna do with that Lily?”
“ I said I’m going to cut my wrists Oscar. I’m not joking, why are you eating breakfast?”
“Cut your wrists yeah?” He chuckled. “With my bread knife? Don’t even think it’s sharp enough for that. Gwan nuh. Mek me see it.”
Lily took the knife to her wrist intentionally cutting herself. She breathed in a sharp sheering breath that sounded like a hot pan just being dosed into cold water. The knife that she had in her hand was years old. A keepsake from his Mother. It was only good for cutting bread. Nothing more. Oscar went to laugh out loud but quickly caught himself. He didn’t want to push Lily too far and pressure her into doing something really stupid that would put her health at risk. This was a cry for help. A form of attention seeking,so Oscar decided to let it play out.
“Don’t cut across your wrists.” He motioned with his spoon before taking another mouthful of salt fish and fried dumpling. “This isn’t a movie. Cut down your wrists. Across is a cry for help. Downwards means that your serious anddddddddd ……” He took another bite. “Third drawer to your right there’s some towels in there. Put them down on the floor before you bloody up my good good flooring.”
Lily started breathing heavily. The adrenaline surging through her veins. She turned the blade vertically and traced a line down her forearm like Oscar had instructed, just hovering over her skin. A practice line. She looked at Oscar who was making a big chewing action with a mouthful of food. He took a napkin and wiped his mouth, raising his eyebrows as if to say Go on then. Lily looked down at her wrists and pressed hard. The sudden sharp sting of the tip of the blade made her winch her arm away. Oscar couldn’t help himself and snickered with a mouthful of food. Lily’s mouth clenched shut and rage soon followed the adrenaline through her veins. She threw the knife onto the floor and it skidded across the kitchen. Oscar followed it with his gaze shaking his head.
“THAT IS MY MUM’S KNIFE” He shouted and brought his fist down onto the kitchen counter hard. Displaying like he was angry.
Lily jumped at his sudden reaction. It had frightened her. She had never seen or heard Oscar angry and he had a deep direct voice just now which sent fear into her being but her rage boiled over her fear.
“Pick Up My Mum’s Knife.” Oscar demanded. He wasn’t actually mad but there was a method to what he was doing. “NowwWWWW”
Lily jumped at his voice again. She started panting and pacing about the kitchen, clenching her fists. She wanted to scream at him but she didn’t want him to shout at her like that again. She dared not. She sped hastily over to the bread knife, picked it up then tried to slam it on the counter by Oscar’s plate; however he saw her action coming and caught her by the wrist. He took the knife from her hand and let her go. She flew backwards and crashed into the cooker baring her teeth. Oscar placed the knife gentle down on the counter. He picked up his spoon again and took another mouthful, again followed by a bite of dumpling, all the while looking back at her, eyebrows raised.
“Fine. Fineeee.” Lily Howled. “I’m going to give myself an overdose. If I take a load of paracetamol in one go, I’ll fall asleep and never wake up ever again.”
Again Oscar couldn’t help himself and burst out laughing. He snatched the napkin over his mouth to prevent the food from flying out.
Rahted this girl is dramatic. Where does she get this temper from?
Lily began a frantic search through Oscar’s kitchen cupboards. The fumes of her rage made her start to sweat on her brow. She clawed unsuccessfully through a number of cupboards which were filled with different utensils, pots and pans, rice cookers etc. Everything one would find in a kitchen, except for the tablet cabinet. Oscar cleared his throat and directed his gaze to one draw waist height that she hadn’t opened yet. She went to it and pulled it out. It was what she was looking for.
“Go on then.” Oscar poked. “Take as much Paracetamol as you can find.”
Lily palmed through the collection of bottles, however nothing in there resembled Paracetamol. Oscar interrupted her.
“Ohhhhh that’s right, I don’t keep Paracetamol. Drink some water, it’s better. I think if you drink like 7 gallons one time you’ll drown. Good Luck with that?”
“Fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” Lily howled again. She grabbed a white coloured bottle.
As she slammed the drawer closed, Oscar caught a glimpse of the bottle. He knew exactly what it was. There was only one white coloured bottle in his draw.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you Lily.” Oscar warned. “You’re going to regret it.”
She opened the lid and poured as many tablets as she could fit into her mouth. Oscar smiled to himself. She quickly put down the bottle and flew to the sink as if anticipating that Oscar was about to rush to her and prevent her from swallowing the pills. Oscar didn’t move. Lily grabbed a glass from the drying rack next to the sink and pushed the kitchen tap on full blast, filling it. As quickly as the glass was full she brought it to her lips and tried to chug down the water, swallowing the pills; however she suddenly spat out all that was in her mouth, water and pills together, as she suddenly realised that it was the hot tap that she had turned on and the extremely hot water scolded her tongue. Oscar shook his head. Coughing and spluttering she turned off the hot tap and ran the cold water. Lily collected all the pills that she could in her hands, popping them into her mouth. She then, with caution this time gulped down the water. Finishing what was in his own mouth, Oscar got off the stool. It was time to bring the tempo of this scene down a few notches. Lily turned her head to see Oscar moving towards her, she tried desperately to gather up the remaining pills into her mouth for a second round. She was successful at getting them in but just before she could bring the glass to her mouth Oscar firmly clasped it away from her. Much like a parent taking something away from their toddler who had gotten ahold of some object that they weren’t supposed to play with. Lily dropped to the floor defiantly and began to chew. Boldly displaying to him that she would still eat the contents inside her mouth. However the more she began to chew the less she smiled. Her face eventually turned into disgust as a horrid bitter flavour painted her tongue. Oscar grabbed the bottle off the counter with one hand and sat down on the floor in front of her with a napkin in his other. The more Lily chewed, the worse the taste became. Her eyes started to water from the extreme bitterness of it. Oscar showed her the bottle.
“Always read the contents of something before you stuff it into your mouth.” He said calmly. “Tastes like crap doesn’t it.”
She Nodded.
“As it should. You just shoved a load of natural laxatives into your mouth. It’s a herbal remedy. My Dad used them sometimes to ‘cleanse out his system’ he would say. I used one tablet once when I was younger. Had me on the toilet all day. Now you just swallowed a mouthful. Don’t come crying to me when you shit yourself during your sleep.”
Hearing this, Lily’s face sunk and she finally stopped chewing. Oscar opened up the Napkin and held it to Lily’s mouth. She spat out the now crushed paste into it. When it was all out she sat still, looking at her hands which were placed in her lap. Oscar folded the napkin and used a clean part to wipe her mouth. Lily didn’t look up. When her face was clean, Oscar reached up and popped the used cloth on the side of the kitchen counter. He sighed a deep sigh.
“Why are you behaving like this Lily? This is completely unlike you.”
“You don’t know what it’s like. I hate her.” Lily continued to look down towards her hands.
“Why would you say that Lily? What’s happened?” Oscar felt an uneasy feeling again. He remembered the last time when Lily had come over a few nights before. He felt like she had tried to tell him something but had decided not to. Had something more serious happened. “Lily, you know I’m here for you if you need me? You can tell me anything that you want. Any problems or any troubles you have, you can tell me and I’ll help you the best way I can. You know that right?”
Lily nodded. Oscar could see that she was going through a hard time in her life. Trying to come to a resolution about things in her head. What things, Oscar didn’t know exactly. Trivial or not. Oscar remembered what it was like for himself growing up, becoming a man on his own. He had to go through a lot of hardships. Fend for himself. Learn things the hard way. It had made him tough. Perhaps a bit too tough. Oscar wanted to cushion that learning experience for Lily. It was a hard way to grow. Too hard Oscar thought for a 14yr old girl.
“Lily I don’t know what kind of relationship that you have with your Mum. Hopefully it’s one that can get better with time.” Oscar paused. He didn’t want to lay it on too strong but he felt that Lily needed to hear his words. “The thing is Lily, my parents were already gone by the time I hit my late teens.” Lily turned her gaze away from her hands towards him. “I didn’t get a chance to hate them. I wish I did.” He laughed to himself. A private joke. “But we don’t get to choose who our parents are and we don’t get to choose how long we have with them and sometimes in life the role of the parent and the child gets reversed.”
“Gets reversed?” Lily echoed his words.
“Yes reversed. It becomes our turn to look after our parents, just like they looked after us when we were babies. It’s now your turn to repay the favour. Life moved on me and took away my opportunity to do that for my parents. Now life is moving on you and it’s your duty to repay that responsibility for your Mum. Like I said before, I don’t know how things are between you and your Mum, and I don’t know how you feel about her but emotions are fleeting.”
“Fleeting? What’s that mean?” Lily questioned.
“It means they come and go. The trick is learning how to control them and not have them control you.”
Lily nodded her head. She didn’t say anything else and she looked back down at her hands. Oscar stood up off the floor and fixed her a plate of salt fish and four fried dumplings. He grabbed a fork from the drying rack and sat back down in front of Lily. She looked up at the plate of food. Oscar passed it to her with a smile. She smiled back. Lily picked up the fork and took a mouthful of salt fish and chased it with a big bite of the fried dumpling. She let out a long sigh.
“Oh My Goshhhhhh”
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