Rees laid on the sofa with an ice cold bag of peas pressed against his nose. It helped to sooth the pain. He looked over at the time on a big golden clock on the wall. It was nearing 2am. The house was quiet. Rees couldn’t really remember how he had left the party. He remembered eventually picking himself up and washing the blood away from his nose and face. He made himself as presentable as he could. He had no idea of the time spent in the bathroom huddled by the toilet bowl, but when he flew down the stairs, Lelani had gone with their new friend. He wanted to call her but his mobile was missing. The new friend had taken it. Artie had realised that something wasn’t quite right but Rees didn’t stick around to tell any tales. He quickly grabbed the kids, left the party and dropped them off at his in-laws. How could he find or alert Lelani? This guy was dangerous. Would he attack her? He remembered what the new Friend had said to him before he had left the bathroom.
‘Don’t worry bruv. I’ll look after your wife tonight’. Those thoughts rattled around in his head while he drove around aimlessly in south london. He had no idea where he was going at the time but he hoped he would find a glimpse of the new friend and stop him. But that didn’t happen. After 20 minutes of driving around Rees found himself pulled over by a side road. It was dark and he didn’t know where he was going. So he sat there staring at the steering wheel. His hands gripping the 10 to 2 position tightly.
Should I call the police? How could he call the police? He didn’t even know his wife’s number from memory. What kind of man gets his phone stolen and doesn’t know his own wife’s number?
Rees sat for long moments in his car. Not thinking, not moving, just breathing. Then before he knew it he was at the front door of their home and then laying down on the sofa. Rees never called the police. He never tried to alert his wife of the situation.
Is this the kind of man that could give her what she wanted?
The event had knocked him hard. Harder than the unexpected head butt had. Rees laid still on the sofa. The pain made him numb. It wasn’t the pain coming from his nose. His nose would be fine. He had been in many fights growing up. He had suffered many bloody noses, busted lips, black eyes. He would be ok physically in a few days. The pain he felt, which crippled his body, that piercing pain came from somewhere deeper.
Why had he come into the bathroom? Did he plan that?
Rees thought back to a similar incident. When he was a young boy. Rees was maybe 13 or 14 at the time. Rees was allowed to have some friends over at the house to play. His best friend at the time, his next door neighbour James, was also round. Rees knew he liked James more than being just best friends. Rees had a more passionate interest in James. Rees had accidentally stumbled upon James in the bathroom. James was washing his hands. Rees remembered it vividly. How could so many emotions be packed into just one event. How could just one event shape the future of so many different relationships.
“What the Fuck are you doing?” Rees’ dad busted into the toilet.
The two boys jump apart from each other.
“Dad.” Rees looked at James and then looked back at his father. “We were just.”
Rees took a step in his father’s direction however the hard flat of his father’s back hand sent him skidding across the bathroom floor into the stem of the toilet.
Rees looked on through blurry eyes as his father grabbed James by the collar of his shirt.
“You. Get your Fucking ass home.”
He shoved James towards the bathroom door with the hand that held his collar and with his free hand delivered a hard slap to the back of his head. James whimpered holding where he had been slapped. Rees watched him as he quickly scampered through the toilet door. For a brief moment James turned to look at Rees. Rees didn’t say anything but his watering eyes and slap redden face could only crease in a way that said ‘I’m sorry’. James returned the look for a brief second before disappearing through the door. That was the last time Rees ever saw James. Rees didn’t have time to think about it as the shadow of a stocky well built man fell upon.
“You think your gonna be a fucking fag in my house?”
Rees’ dad howled as his firm hard boot came pounding into his ribs and stomach. Rees wailed and cried but the assault didn’t stop. The more he cried in fact the harder the attack came. The father’s kicks rained continuously into Rees’ side. Rees tucked one arm into his side and the other by his head to protect himself the best that he could but his small body wasn’t yet built to withstand those menacing blows. Rees felt his father’s huge stocky hand grab him by the scruff of his neck and pick him up off the floor. His tear blurred father brought Rees close to his face. Rees howled clutching at the tight grasp around his neck. Then he watched his father’s face scowl and his head came charging close, crushing Rees’ nose, blood splattering all over his mouth and chin. Rees hit the floor hard. His vision faded to complete darkness. He was still awake. He could hear and feel every part of the onslaught but could see nothing. As if his subconscious was trying to protect him from seeing what was happening. After a few seconds, his vision restarted, kicked back in; light came into his eyes, he could see his father standing over him, kicking him, slapping him.
“Dad pleaseeeeeeeeee.” Rees screamed. Sobbing through blood and tears. “Please Dad I didn’t mean it.”
Rees’ dad suddenly stopped. Rees scrambled and stuck his head as close to the toilet bowl as he could. The rest of him was fully exposed to a continuous assault but instinct told him that maybe if he could wrap around the shape of the porcelain bowl the distinction between clay and flesh would disappear and he would weather less of a beating. However the calis ridden hands of his strong father plucked him up, off of the floor, much like how a wolf would pluck his cub up in his jaws in an effortless bite.
“What’s that you just said Rees?” His dad put him to rest on the toilet and crouched down in front of him. Rees felt his dad’s hard hot breathe pounding off his face.
“Say that again boy.”
Rees didn’t want to say it again but he knew, if he was going to survive this man he would have to. Everything that he knew of his father up until now had suddenly been torn away. Rees didn’t recognise what stood in front of him. It was prejudice, dangerous, aggressive. Acting without thought or remorse. Acting on hatred and preconceptions. Ready to tear into his carcass, But Rees learnt pretty quickly in the next moment, that sometimes, if one wishes to remain uneaten, one would have to play dead.
“ I didn’t mean it Dad. He kissed me and I didn’t know what to do?” Rees flinched backwards. His hands instinctively raised in front of his face anticipating a second attack. Distress shook his young adolescent body. The prey of a wolf caught in its jaws seldomly struggles vigorously after a while. It only bucks once while waiting for the end.
Rees’ father paused. Maybe the sight of his son fearful of him for the very first time made him reconnect with his humanity.
“Oh he kissed you.” Rees’ father looked him over. And nodded his head. “I knew it. Good. good. Now Rees. I want you to be honest with me ok?”
Rees slowly nodded back.
“It’s very important that you answer truthfully ok Rees.”
Rees nodded a reluctant second time.
“When he kisses you. Did you like it?”
Rees paused. He didn’t answer.
“Reeeeeeeessss.” His Dad sudden shouted and shook him hard. “Did you like it?”
“Nooooooo.” Rees screamed back. “It was disgusting. Boys don’t kiss other boys. Boys are supposed to kiss girls but he’s my best friend so I didn’t know what to do?”
Rees’s dad looked up to the ceiling as if giving a silent thank you to a god that he never prayed to. In that same instant when he looked back at Rees. The man that he knew suddenly reappeared. The transformation was so robust that Rees struggled to believe the man in front of him was the same monstrous beast who had just pummeled him with his hands and delivered sinister kicks with the steel toe caps of his boots. Rees’ Father suddenly hugged him then smeared the blood on his face away with his hand.
“I’m so sorry Rees.” His father swallowed. “This was an accident. I thought that you were something you’re not.”
Rees stretched out his arms and rested his hands on his Dad’s shoulders.
“Thats ok Dad.” Rees panted. “It’s not your fault.”
Rees dad sighed a sigh of relief.
“Wash off your face ok.”
Rees nodded. His father slowly stood up. He towered over him looking down. Rees froze. He didn’t move a muscle. Ever instinct in him told him not to. He didn’t even look up. Rees Just continued to look forward. His Dad’s belt buckle now in the place where his face had been. His Father gently ruffled the top of Rees’ hair then quickly marched out of the bathroom. Rees soon heard the front door slam and his father’s fist pounding on the front of next door. James’ front door. Rees blurred out the loud voices that erupted soon afterwards. Rees quickly washed and dried his face in the towel. As he came out of the bathroom he caught a glimpse of movement and looked down the hall. His mother was standing in the doorway of her bedroom. Half in but half out. Almost debating whether to come to him or go back inside. Rees looked at her. He didn’t utter a word but there were many racing through his head.
How long were you standing there mum? Didn’t you just hear dad kicking the crap out of me?
Rees and his mother looked at each other for long moments. The long booming voice of his dad arguing with James’ father coming from outside. This situation made Rees feel horrible. It felt extremely uncomfortable. He let out a nervous laugh. His mother continued to look at him. Rees covered his mouth. He wanted her to rush to him. He wanted her to wrap her arms around him so that he could sob in her arms before his dad came home. He wanted her to tell him that what he just did, sold out his best friend to stop himself from being devoured by the beast that had cornered him in the bathroom, was ok. That self preservation was always ok, but she didn’t. Tears trickled down her face and the same look that Rees had just previously given James before he scampered home was the same look his mother gave him and she slowly stepped back into her room and closed the door behind her.
Rees exhaled a long deep breath on the sofa. It was controlled and deliberate. He often taught this breathing technique to his patients who were experiencing a deep emotional response. With the bag of frozen peas on his nose he had also laid himself out like he was in a session. Laying down on a sofa or flat comfortable surface was also a calming technique. Rees always allowed his patients to lay down if they wished while he sat behind them, out of sight, so he could observe them and read their body language. Patients often dove deeper into their own minds this way. It allowed those deep sunken emotions to float to the surface. Rees wasn’t sure which was more painful. The actual attack that he had suffered from tonight, the fact that it was so similar to that first encounter with his father, or the the fact that his buried memory had come bursting out. A memory he had locked away for so many years. Rees wasn’t sure if he cared more about the memory or more about the attack. Rees let out another controlled breath.
I should have called the police. He thought.
Rees pressed the frozen peas harder onto his nose. He preferred the numbness. He liked the way the pain disappeared with the cold compress. He could forget about the pain. Avoid having to deal with it, until it eventually disappears on its own; but true pain never really disappears. Like a hole in the roof, one can cover it up and make it look nice, but water will always find its way inside. Rotting all of the rafters, seeping into the ceiling, until something gives way, something collapses. Then everything that is damp, rotten and degraded has to be ripped out, thrown away in a skip. Useless and unworkable, discarded for new materials to take its place.
The sound of the front door lock turning interrupted his thoughts. Rees quickly jumped up from the sofa and flew to the front door before Lelani could even finish fully unlocking it. Rees pulled the door open, seeing her standing there unharmed and safe, he embraced her.
“Hello darling.” Lelani said surprised. “I called you so many times. Where were you?”
“Are you ok? Did he hurt you? What happened?”
“What do you mean what happened…..” She paused. She noticed Rees’ eyes were red and he had a deep reddish bruise around his nose. “Omg what happened to your face?”
She touched his nose and he whelped in pain and drew backwards, the pain in his nose was still very much there.
“Our new friend happened?”
“What?””
“Before I left to drop the boys, he cornered me in Artie’s upstairs toilet and attacked me.”
“Whaaaaaaaat.” She raised her voice and put both hands over her mouth.
“Yeah.” Rees started. His pain started to turn into something else. “Yeah our new friend, He headbutted me, he threw me to the floor.”
Rees marched rapidly back into the living room. Lelani followed him with her hand covering her mouth, shaking her head in disbelief.
“Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.” Rees nodded his head with each ‘yeah’ his temper starting to get high. “ Our New Friend, He, He, He stomped on my stomach.”
Lelani stopped in front of him watching him start to pace. Rees’ face became flustered. His voice got louder.
“Yeah, OUR NEW FRIEND, he he he, trod on my neck, until I couldn’t breathe.”
Rees pulled the collar of his T-shirt wide to reveal a bright red bruise on his throat. Lelani couldn’t say anything. She could only stand and watch the outburst.
“Yeah he toooooold me.” Rees impersonated a deeper voice rougher voice. “The problem with you batty boys, yeah yeah yeah, he called me a batty boy, like he’s still in Fucking school.”
Rees swallowed a deep swallow.
“The problem with you batty boys is that we marry a fine piece of woman, like you.”
Rees extended his open hand in Lelani direction.
“And all we can think about is banging, no NOOOO, Bending over, another man. Yeah Yeah He almost knocked me out with his foot on my throat. I couldn’t breathe, oooooh and he stole my phone, yeah, yeah, probably so that I couldn’t phone you or call the police, because Our New Friend said that he was going to give you a good looking after because I can’t give you it. Yeah; Yeah; Yeah; He kicked me and he was kicking. Yeah you’re a big man yeahhhh and your kicking a little boy.”
Lelani’s eyes widened. She realised that this was no longer about what had happened tonight.
“Then he had the audacity to pick me up, and Lelani I’ll never forget this for the rest of my life. He asked me ‘say that again. Say that again boy.’ And I said I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it Dad. James kissed me and I didn’t know what to do. But what I really should have said was Noooo Dad. I kissed HIM, and I did mean it. Ohhhhh and by the way, I’ve always wanted to kiss James and actually that wasn’t the first time we had kissed. It was just the first time you caught us. Ohhh and Mum had seen us before Dad but she never said anything Dad and another thing Dad..”
Rees paused panting. He stared into space while his thoughts caught up with his words. He looked at Lelani who had both her hands covering her mouth. He could see her eyes welling up with tears but she fought to keep them at bay. Rees put both hands on his hips. In his tirade he had travelled back in time. He had gone back to that deep dark memory. He stared at Lelani. She was frozen. In their 7 yrs of marriage he didn’t think she had ever seen him like this before. She had definitely never heard him like this before. Rees scratched his head and let out a nervous laugh. Lelani flew to him and wrapped her arms around him, kissing his head. Tears streaming down her face. Rees’ arms fell down to his side and he buried his face into her chest. That was the warm embrace that he needed. That was the warm embrace that he had missed. Standing in the corridor so long ago. The embrace that was replaced with a bedroom door being closed in his face.
Rees slowly eased in an extremely hot bubble bath. He put down a glass of red wine on a small stall to the side of the tub. Lelani was already in the water, she waited for Rees to sit down in between her open legs and then wrapped her legs around him. Rees ease backwards onto her front and felt her chin resting on top of his head like she always did. She had her own glass of wine in her hand. She took a sip and placed it next to his. She took a body sponge floating in the water, soaked it and washed Rees’ shoulders and back of his neck. Rees’ sighed. The hot water was soothing. It helped to relax him. Lelani had held him for long moments after his emotional breakdown. He felt exhausted. His clients often fell asleep after a hard session like that and would later report that they slept like a baby after having released those repressed emotions. He had never known what it felt like until now. He had wanted to go straight to bed but Lelani had set a hot bath for them. She had undressed him like he was one of their boys. Not giving him any options but directing him in the way that he needed to go. Rees followed her instructions without protest. Human beings have an intricate unspoken language. Rees could sense that this is what he needed. He was protected and being looked after. He rubbed Lelani’s leg which was covered with bubbles. She kissed the crown of his head and pressed her forehead against it. The sound of a familiar ring tone came from outside the bathroom. Rees slowly sat up and cocked his head to one side to get a better listen. He cast a quick backward glance at Lelani.
“Thats My phone.”
“Yeah I have your phone.”
“What how?”
Lelani let out a sigh.
“So after that horrible horrible incident. Our New Friend came back outside and he gave it to me.”
“He gave it to you?” Rees replied surprised.
“Yeah. He said he found it in the toilet. That you must have…” She sighed. “dropped it there.”
“He must have known that you would have called me at some point.” Rees turned his body half way to look at Lelani. “What happened afterwards?”
“Well that’s just the thing. Nothing. We just stayed at Arties’ all night. I thought if you don’t have your phone how can you come and meet us. And …..” Lelani paused.
“And what?”
“It was really weird. It was like he had lost interest. He made up some excuse about why he couldn’t have us round tonight and he left shortly afterwards. I spent the rest of the night catching up Lea.”
Rees shook his head. He felt so relieved that Lelani hadn’t gone back with him. How could he stomach that.
What kind of guy would attack someone and then sleep with his wife?
This was a dangerous man and clearly he had issues. Rees turned back around and laid back against her. He sighed again picking up his glass of wine in his hand.
“I’m so glad you’re home safe. I was worried about you.” Rees rubbed and kissed her arm that was draped around him.
“Yeah I just caught up with Lea at the party. Chatting.”
“Good I’m glad you two managed to sort out your differences.” Rees took a sip of wine.
Rees listened for a response but there was none. Lelani picked up her own glass, took a sip and placed the glass back down. Rees didn’t press the issue further.
“Do you regret marrying me Lelani?”
“What?”
“I mean. You know. I like mostly Men. I have to put you through these traumatic situations. I mean If our new friend was a complete psycho, tonight could have ended up completely different. Don’t you think you could be happy with someone else?
“Ssssshhh. Stop talking nonsense. You’re the only man I’ve ever loved. Ever.” She squeezed him tightly. “You treat me right. You make me feel like I’m beautiful and that I’m always doing good things. You don’t make me feel stupid. And if being with you means that I have to share you with other men. Well that’s perfectly fine with me.” She pressed her head against his. “ Why did you marry me?”
“You stop talking nonsense. You’re absolutely amazing just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I can’t see that. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. I’d be a fool to not want to spend every day of my life with you. I can be 100% myself with you. I don’t have to hide anything.” Rees kissed her arm again.
Rees finished his glass of wine and put it back to rest on the side stool. Sleep was pulling at him, desperately trying to draw him into her blanketing clutches. It had been a very intense evening and he was ready to retire. He didn’t want to think anymore about their new friend. After tonight hopefully he would never encounter him ever again. It was done and dusted. Rees did feel a sense of guilt and obligation at the same time. He should report their new friend to the police. He obviously had no qualms attacking gay men. Especially in a proximity of a friend’s home amongst known individuals. How many times has he done this before? Who else has he done this to? Rees should make sure this didn’t happen ever again. He felt obliged to but Rees shook it off. He didn’t want any trouble. He didn’t want anything coming back to him. Rees could fight. He spent his whole childhood fighting but he hated it. Fighting made him feel sick. Hurting another person with his fists. That wasn’t his game. He had always taken the fight to people psychologically. Messed with peoples heads. That’s how he fought, but there was something about this New friend that seemed dangerous. Something about him that felt like he should be something to be weary of. Rees shook this out of his mind. The night was over now. He would go to sleep. He could think more on it tomorrow. Tomorrow was a new day.
“Babes i’m so tired. I’m Going to go to bed.”
“Already. But the water is still hot and the boys will be at my mums all day Tomorrow.”
“Lelani. I’m struggling. I’m about to crash.”
“Ok.” Lelani nodded. I’m going to stay in for a little while longer but then I’ll come to bed. Ok?”
Rees nodded, he eased himself up out of the bath while grabbing a towel. He gently dried himself off before stepping out of the tub and threw a bathrobe on. It was black robe and had his initials on the right part of the chest. He turned around and gave Lelani a gentle kiss. As he walked out of the room he heard his phone ringing again. Rees took a sip of wine. He followed the sound to Lelani’s handbag. He flicked it open with his hand and found his phone wedged between all of Lelani’s junk that was stuffed in her bag. He removed his phone and checked the time. He answered the call.
“Hello, its 0330 in the morning so I know that this must be an emergency.” There was a panicked voice on the other end of the line. A client.
“Ok ok calm down…….. No listen…… I want you to do the breathing technique I told you ok..
1..2..3… Good. Did you take the medication that I gave to you? Take some ok.. No listen to me…. Take some…. And that will help you sleep ok…and I will call you in the morning… noooo She’s not real…..take some and i’ll call you back in the morning.”
Rees ended the call. He opened up his call history and deleted the call log from his phone.
There were no other call entrees in his call logs.
Didn’t Lelani say that…… No wait… he had given her the phone…. I must have misheard.
As Rees was about to turn off his phone an unknown number flashed up. Rees answered it.
“Hello.” There was no answer or even a sound. Rees looked at the phone again. The caller withheld their id. “Helloooooo.” There was no answer.
The call suddenly disconnected. Rees shrugged. He went to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. As he grabbed a glass from an overhanging draw he wrinkled his nose. There was a funny smell coming from inside the kitchen. He lifted the cover from the bin and withdrew his head. He blew out a breath in disgust. The bin had been left full for the better part of the day. Everything inside had started to grow. There were mini fungi bushes of green and blue growing from the spoiled food. Rees put down his empty glass and pulled the full bin bag out of the bin. Tying up the bag he made his way out the front door into the front garden and threw the bag into the collection bin by the front gate. As he closed the lid his phone rang again. Rees pulled the phone out of his pocket. Caller Unknown. Rees answered it.
“Hello.”
“……………..”
“I know who this is. You think you’re a big man yeah… attacking someone in the toilets. You’re lucky because now I know what you’re about and if I ever see you again….” Rees paused. He didn’t want to escalate things. Things were serious enough already.
“If you see me again then what…”
“If I see you again and you try your shit. I’m going to call the police and have you done.”
“Oooh that’s worrying.”
“Yeah it’s very worrying. Just feel lucky you ain’t in front of me right now.”
“Oh yeah.”
“Yeah..”
“What are you going to do? Smoother me in that lovely bathrobe of yours.”
Rees paused. A sudden feeling hit him hard. It felt almost identical to when he was on the bathroom floor. Like someone stomping on his throat. Panic had a way of kicking hard like that. Out of nowhere, in an instant. Rees looked around. Across the road in the darkness he saw the illuminated screen of a mobile rotating from left to right. He wanted Rees to see him.
This guy has come to my house.
Panic and rage both entwined in Rees’ stomach. Rees didn’t know what to do. His body was telling him Fight or flight. Rees hated to fight but this guy was right here, right now, right at his house across the road, calling him, withholding his number. Rees couldn’t take that. He couldn’t allow it. He hung up his phone and dropped it in his bathrobe pocket. He might have been half naked but this was definitely going to be a fight response. He clenched his fists and strode towards his front gate. His new friend continued to rotate the phone so that Rees could see him in the darkness and come directly to where he was standing. As Rees came out his gate and made a run towards him. Suddenly a long concealed baseball bat slid into the hand of his new friend and a huge smile appeared on his face. Rees skidded to a halt. His new friend didn’t move. Rees backed up slowly. He didn’t take his eyes off this new friend. The last thing he wanted was to have a baseball bat smashed across the back of his head. Rees backed up and opened the gate behind him by sense of touch. He backed into the garden and closed the gate now infront of him. His new friend switched off his phone screen. And made a long scratching sound with his teeth. He put the bat over his shoulder and slowly turned and walked away. He didn’t look at Rees while he walked. He walked slowly and calmly. As if disappointed that some kind of criteria hadn’t been fulfilled. Rees watched as he was about to round a corner at the middle of the road. The new friend stopped but he didn’t look back at Rees. He paused for a moment and then he was gone. Rees slowly walked back into the house. He slowly closed the door behind him, double locked the door with the chain and triple checked that it was locked. He slowly looked through the peephole to make sure that nobody was there. Nobody was.
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